Just Fifs

Hello everyone!

This post was not planned. Just like anxiety attacks. Not planned.

I went to the swimming pool this evening, with great intentions of going for a nice, enjoyable swim. Granted, I was a bit nervous going in because I hadn't been swimming in years so I wasn't too sure if I would remember (you can say it's like riding a bike, but if you know me, well, you know that rule doesn't apply to me.. but that's a story for another day...). But, I got into the pool and swam a length. And another. And then another. Maybe I was pushing myself too hard, or the nerves were getting to me, but when I was half way through my fourth length, I was finding it very difficult to breathe. This caused me to start coughing, a lot. Not a fun situation when you're in the water.

I felt like everyone there was watching me, even though they probably weren't. And that's when the anxiety kicked in. I swam to the end, coughing all the way, and hopped out of the pool. I walked back to my locker and took out my bottle of water (thank God I brought one!). Standing at the locker, drinking my water, I tried my best of calm down. I went back to the pool area and went into the steam room, hoping to relax a bit more. It helped, until I got back into the pool. I tried to swim another length and, again, half way through, I couldn't breathe and I started coughing. So, I just got out and hopped into the shower. I was done.

I know some of you are thinking "maybe you're just unfit" or something along those lines. And I am. But the anxiety did not make my situation any better.

Anxiety sucks. It really does. And it doesn't disappear over night. I'm lucky in the fact that I don't get attacks as often as I used to. My last one was the night of my 21st (which was pretty shit considering the night it was, but I was lucky to have my friends there who made sure I got home ok). You can try to be prepared for them, but as I said at the beginning, attacks are not planned, they just happen. Like an unwanted guest in your house.

I don't really know why I'm telling you all of this. I guess it's just to get it out there - anxiety can happen to any of us at any time or place, and there's nothing you can really do about it except accept it. I've accepted that I have anxiety and that there's nothing much I can do. I can help myself when I get an attack, but I can't stop them from coming.

I guess that's just how a lot of things in life work. You just take it one step at a time.